The sky tonight is the shimmering kind, the kind that when you look at the clouds and the deep purple fades in to brilliant orange color. The kind of sky you wish you had a camera handy for. The grass tickles the underside of Johnny’s forearms and he reaches over to Crissy who is lying next to him. She is not the classic Monroe beauty, but the kind of beauty that is plain and clean. Johnny wants to stay in this moment for as long as he can. He wants to just be here with the time standing more still than a statue. His hand finds hers and he grabs it, just hard enough for her to know that he’s there for her. She squeezes back, but now with the strength Johnny had used. Crissy feels the same way, just enjoying lying in the grass next to him. She adores him and he knows it. He knows how much she cares and thinks about him. He can sense it in her quick glances, her gentle and subtle touches when there isn’t anyone watching. Johnny cares for her deeply as well, but he knows he has to tell her. He knows he has to do it soon, but right here right now isn’t the place. The sky is too beautiful and the moment is too perfect to do something like that at this moment. They just lay there together, no words said, no glances exchanged, just staring at the beautiful sky fading away into night.
Finally as the sun is gone and the crescent is in full, Johnny rolls to his side and just looks deeply at Crissy while she lies there. The shadow the moon is casting over her features makes his very being ache. He hasn’t looked at her like this in years. He hasn’t seen anything nearly as beautiful as she is at his moment, completely innocent and unassuming. She doesn’t know he turned to look at her, she is just relaxed and letting herself be consumed by the nights air. Johnny touches her hair and her deep dark blond hair swallows his fingers with its silky qualities. The wind blows and the grass moves around Johnny’s elbow he has propped on the ground so he can look at her. Crissy shakes from the chilly breeze and Johnny moves closer to attempt to warm her up. His movements wake her from her relaxation and she looks at him. They look intensely at one another; Johnny starts to hurt a little more. He is hurting because of what he needs to tell her, he is hurting because he knows how much he loves her. This secret he has been holding on to for months now, but suspects he’s known about it for years. Maybe that is why he hasn’t looked at her this way in so long. Maybe this is why he’s been so immensely immersed in his work. Crissy sees this doubt that came across Johnny’s face. It was only a flicker, an unconscious facial expression that swept over his face. To her the expression looked so intense for a brief moment she recoiled a little, breaking the moment they had been having. Crissy sits up and grabs for her jacket and begins putting it on. Johnny sits up as well and pulls his knees to his chest and leans forward hugging his knees and buries his head. Crissy looks at him, and see a vulnerability in him that she has never seen before. She can sense he is struggling with something. She knows what it is, she knows deep down what it is. She knows that she has put him in this weakened state. She starts to wonder how long he has known. Crissy reaches out to him and places her hand on his back and strokes it gently as she moves closer to put her arms around him.
A cloud covers the fingernail moon that was once casting the shadow that made Crissy once look like the prettiest woman Johnny had ever seen. As she sits down, she feels Johnny’s body tighten. She hears him take a deep breath and the exhale makes her shiver, like someone just walked over her grave. Johnny pulls he head from his knees and looks at her. She can feel him shaking and she sees the tears he is fighting. The hand that was once touching his back has moved to the front of her face. It covers her mouth, hiding the trembling lip. Johnny no longer sees this beautiful woman, but he sees a woman that he doesn’t even know anymore. His face tightens and the eyes that looked so ready for tears turn cold and hard. Crissy feels his stare going through her. It’s going beyond her eyes, it’s going beyond her thoughts and straight to her heart. The stare Johnny is giving her doesn’t even need words to let her that he knows.
Johnny moves a little further away from her after what felt like an eternity, and he stands up looking down at her. Crissy doesn’t attempt to get up, she doesn’t want to, she wants to feel small, she wants Johnny’s gaze to bury her into the ground where she sits. She looks into his eyes to see if there is any hope, if there is anything that can repair what is broken. She watches his heart break through his eyes. His eyes are still stone, but they are a breaking stone, she sees them falling apart.
Crissy unfolds the single creased noted, and it read: I want to hold your hand. She immediately remembers this is the note he wrote her on their first date, when they knew they wanted to be together what seems like ages ago. She drops the letter and covers her face, shame overwhelms her and she yells out to Johnny but it is too late. Johnny fights with himself when he hears her yelling his name, he wants to go back to her, but his heart will not let him. He powers through the emotions he has for her and just keeps walking leaving her behind, in the blackness of the night. The same kind of night he has felt like he has been in since the day he found out. The empty darkness of being alone when you were once there with someone you loved so dearly.
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